Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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