I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
