New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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