just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
