so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
