The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
