i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
