I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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