new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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