A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
