so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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