You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
