He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
