Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Sober January is a disaster.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
