I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
