My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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