I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
