you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
