Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
