My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
