Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
