Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
