its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
