So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
