she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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