Your mouth is God's brothel.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
