my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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