There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
