I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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