Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
