put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
