I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
