yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
