wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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