does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i believe in u and ur pee
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
