oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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