I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
