i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
