Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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