I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
two words: eviction party
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
