highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
