my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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