On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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