Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
