just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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