she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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