look no pants
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I smell stomach acid.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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