absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
