So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
