dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Damn victory sex feels great
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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