Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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